There has been some nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach with this whole wedding thing. It wasn't cold feet or second thoughts. It had more to deal with the fact that this is my first time around with this whole wedding thing and not Bryce's and I felt like I had to compete with the wedding he had before. This nagging feeling has caused me to stress out about nearly every aspect, wanting it to be absolutely perfect, so he will forget.

Ok, bare with me, I know that this isn't the most rational train of thought to have, but his ex-wife has been in our relationship nearly our whole relationship - whether it was through drunken confessions, his mother, his family - it's just been there. If you knew the details, you would realize how ridiculous this is - a woman who scammed a young, naive boy for things, who tried to get him to kill himself to gain insurance money, and someone he was married to for about a month. She didn't follow him when he was in the military. She wasn't good to him. Unfortunately, this is her MO, doing this to men for sport, until just recently when I had to contact her about bills she was putting in her former name (of my soon to be husband) over a decade later and spoke with her husband, who is now divorcing her. ANYWAY - it's ridiculous, but it's kept me up at night, coupled with the fact about doubts I have been having about a few people who I considered to be my closest friends and their behavior -- insomnia has been my best friend.

So I finally talked to Bryce about it today, asking him what was and wasn't important to him in regards to this wedding, not just what he was agreeing to for me. He said location was a big thing and it being about us and being unique. He then told me he remembers very little about his first wedding, mostly because he was in a really bad spot at the time, and that he had never even seen the wedding pictures -- which actually made me kind of happy.

So, I decided to do our wedding our way, which means ditching the white dress and all of the worry with being perfectly polished and not-so-much, well, ME!

So, allow me to introduce to you my new wedding dress:

I. am. upset.

I don't ask for much in this life and, quite frankly, have been through enough that expecting a little bit of happiness really isn't such a big expectation. It just isn't.

The one thing I want as I marry Bryce is a wedding. This marriage means something to me, where the others were based on familial pressure and convenience.

I am marrying him because I love him - good and bad-  and want to commit to him for life.

I don't get to have my big wedding - the one that I never had. I don't get to have the big church packed with family and friends. I don't get to have the big wedding party, the fancy photographer, and the wedding reception. I don't get to have our first dance, or the wedding toast, or anything like that. Things I didn't think were really important to me, but you know, I AM a girl.

I was fine with having an intimate ceremony reflecting us, written by us, celebrating us. One or two of our friends there as witnesses. Photos. The white dress.

Even that seems to be too much to ask for.

Don't know if we even have witnesses.

Don't know if anyone is coming.

Blah.

I am just crabby about it.

I miss Wisconsin.

I have two blogs on Xanga. I use this one for sub rosa and for bad stuff I need to get out and my other has ramblings etc. right now I am posting a series on dating after divorce that are humorous looks at the toads I kissed.

 

http://www.xanga.com/windingroadsblindinglights